Young and Beautiful
by Stephane Richer
Summary: Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul


Young and Beautiful

Disclaimer: I don't own Lana Del Rey's "Young and Beautiful" or Ai Yazawa's _Nana_.

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"Hey, Nana, will you come back with me?"

Osaki Nana was not a woman of faith. She did not go to church or any type of temple. She did not think about deities or spirits out there. She did not believe in anything. Some lonely nights in the small apartment that seemed so big without Ren there next to her, she doubted if the sun would rise, and sometimes in winter it never appeared, the dark clouds giving way to lighter clouds that were still grey, ominous, deathlike. She doubted if the snow would melt, doubted spring would arrive, sometimes doubted her own mind. Had he ever loved her? Had he ever even existed? They never talked about him, her and Nobu and Yasu, and only occasionally when Nobu was drunk he'd talk about Ren, but she could never be sure of his drunken ramblings. The payment of half the rent every month would come in, and she'd wonder if she'd just gotten a good deal, if Yasu was helping out, if she'd accepted his help in a moment of weakness.

Nana doubted everything.

"When we're old and grey and I can't play guitar anymore?"

Honjo Ren was a man of great faith. He had to be. It got him into trouble, believing everything the managers and agents said, oh yes how talented he was, yeah he could try a little bit of this drug or that one and not get addicted, yeah heroin wouldn't be so much of a problem. He couldn't be in Trapnest without having unwavering faith in Takumi. The man was so overconfident that of course he believed in himself, in his own abilities to sweet talk and strong arm everyone into working toward his goals and in his talents at songwriting and performing. Naoki and Reira believed, too, but more often than not they seemed like idiot savants who couldn't hold a conversation, more like talented Takumi superfans than anything else. So what did that make him? Still, he couldn't afford not to believe, wanted to believe, to have something to believe in, and even though he knew Nana through and through, knew how much of a pessimistic tsundere forever in denial she could be, he never doubted that she still loved him.

Ren doubted nothing.

Together, they were balanced opposites who reacted violently against one another, insane masochists with excessive thoughts.

"Hey, Nana, will you come and live with me? Back in that tiny town by the sea?"

She wanted to say yes, to leap into his arms, but her pride and doubt would not let her. She already depended on him for so much, so much in ways she didn't want to. She wanted to be successful in her own right but it seemed mroe and more likely that she'd be forever known as "Ren's Girlfriend", even if she did find her own way. Her path had been paved, and part of her knew she could not throw it away or go around it. It would be impossible.

"Hey, Ren?"

Sitting in her new bathtub with him wasn't the same as back at home, where the tub was cramped and he didn't have to be anywhere that she didn't. When they both had day jobs, but they were 9-to-5s they could take the train to together, holding hands on the walk there. As much as she wanted to leave that behind, part of her always wanted to go back, to relive those days. Even if it was impossible to recreate it exactly, even if neither of them would ever be a dreaming nobody with nothing to lose again.

They were happy, they were together, but something was still off. Something was still different.

"When I'm old and my voice is gone, will you still want me?"

She couldn't say it, could only think it, telepathically communicate the message to him even as she knew it wouldn't really reach him. But maybe he read it in her eyes, because his face softened.

"Of course," he whispered, looking at his hands, folded neatly on the table. After all, he'd never wanted anyone else from the first time he saw her. He'd never seen any other woman after he saw her there in that red dress. Years had passed already, they'd grown up so much, and he still loved her as much as he ever had, wanted to keep her with him, wanted to drop everything just to follow her. But it would never be that easy.

But one day, maybe they'd be able to wriggle free of all prior commitments, maybe they'd be able to make peace with the world, take what they could, and have it all be done, maybe they could go back and live again the way they once had, from the other side now. They'd have nothing to lose once again, nothing left, nothing but one another, and maybe one day that would again be enough to sustain them and they'd have no one to answer to.

But his faith was unwavering and she could not answer, because she could not know absolutely and that made all the difference to him, and perhaps to her, too. Living for the moment was not something they could really plan for. It was something they could do, but not right now. It was something that at once required total faith and no faith at all in the future, and it was the only way they could be together.

So if not now, when?

Would he find a woman who set store by the future and leave her by the wayside and forget her? She would shrink away from him and he'd know that was what was on her mind, and he could not shake it from her. And he could not live without her absolute faith.

How could they have a beginning and an end but no middle?


End file.
